Dove-paige's Blog

irritated the last few days...seems to be my M.O. lately, and its always the same bs again and again at my wits end I swear if I have to explain myself again! If I considered myself a gay man thats what my profile would say, I wish I was asexual, then it wouldnt matter, I wish it didnt matter...but it does, and that sucks...yes I like both women and men alike, but once they start in with calling me a man I know they just dont get it...and I get these people sayin to me to just chill when you stop lookin thats when you find someone...bs I stopped lookin and it turned into 3 years, now its almost 4, ya I could compramise my selfrespect an go for the 1 nite stand that considers me a man...but that simply doesnt work for me, in fact it makes me feel worse inside cos it means I sold myself short, dont know what to do at this point, seems pointless. I didnt start transition so I could be a nun...once upon a time I would have been ok with being the outcast, but thats cos I couldnt deal with being who everyone thought I was, now that Im finaly at ease with myself it doesnt work for anyone else, I know people think Im like a broken record goin on about this...its real easy to be flip about it when its not your problem, its a whole other thing when its your day to day existance and youve watched it go on like this for years.

so last nite I went out in more of a gender-bender mode, hung out with one of my best friends coworkers...hes hot, gay, open minded, at least he seems to be so far...dunno, I had fun, were supposed to go out when he gets back from his vacation, I told him Im not lookin for mr right, just mr right now, I dont see myself in any kind of relationship with anyone, and pre transition people m and f alike fell for me easily, well see where life takes me

its an interesting dillema that I live at times, I dont have the govt . stamped F on my drivers license yet...money. but in general my life is feminine, except for my job, I work at a junkyard in the parts dept, they moved me out of the garage shortly after I came out, for safety reasons...the boys were too insecure workin around me , I was more than happy to leave the garage behind, the only reason I stay at this job is the great insurance they offer. So anyway I went to lunch today and went to a CVS pharmacy while I was there I filled out an app for one of their discount cards...no prob, but it asked for gender...hmmmm I do have a feminine name now and look kinda butch fem buuuuuut the lic. still says M on it.....weeeeelllllll I said F, the woman at the checkout gave a quick look over it and put it on file. Weird the stuff to think about that most just take for granted.Things like names,pronouns gender markers on documents,bathrooms, etc. etc.

so here I am as usual at my post in life as it has turned out...outside loking in, its become a reoccuring theme in my life. outside looking in. After several months of helping her through dealing with Mr. Potatohead my best friend is finally free of him, she moped around for a while so I helped hook her up with a real nice boy, shes happy, hes happy, and Im happy for them...but now Im left feeling like the third wheel...not sure how to work through this one,and need to figure out a way to deal, I mean I have come to understand that the whole prospect of the dating world is over for me...I understand it, just dont know how to deal with that as my reality. I understand that transition was a trade off for me as it often is for many trans people, now my best friend has someone that treats her well, and she wants to be able to share this fun time with me and spend all kinds of time with me with her boy with her, but it leaves me feeling like the third wheel I see them being all cudly n cute and realize that that is a part of life that is no longer an option to me...she says we have to find someone for me now...hah thats one of those things she refuses to accept, I realize that I am not dating material...ya I could compramise myself n hook up with some perv that views me as a chapter in his kink agenda, but I cannot be someones fetish...and thats all that is available to me, so I remain outside looking in

I know Im notorious for thinking myself into a corner, and here I am again, its past midnight and I cant sleep as usual, I wish my brain had an on/off switch. Tonite its the usual obsessing over weather anyone will ever take me seriously enough as a person to be able to get anywhere in life or am I doomed to poverty and drama now that I can deal with myself, but most others just cant get past the whole trans thing....ya Im rambling again.

I spent a long long time living as a stranger in an even stranger land...my own body, that made absoloutly no sense to me, it was sooo stupid to me, life pre-transition I could date almost anyone I wanted to...thing was I didnt want to, it was all wrong for me, so I lived as an outsider looking in, eventually my card was forced and I had to come clean on the whole gender issue thingy, big step, and after a few years on hormones and a severe reordering of my life etc, I am finally at peace with myself, even if I havent completed the physical end of transition yet...all in good time. I now find that the whole dating thing would be a welcome re-addition to my life but find that regardless of gender, orientation, age, social standing etc ad-nauseum I am either too masculine, or too feminine for anyone. I have standers by that tell me that the right person is out there I just havent found them yet....I have a hard time beliving in fictional characters that people can spew out to me about that dont exist in the real world. Yes I am back where I started Outside looking in. only for different reasons now, I have reached the point of viewing it as I had to sacrafice the whole notion of dating, love, partnering with someone...the whole damn ball o wax, so that I could deal with being around myself...seems like a real crappy deal if you ask me, but aparently it is my lot in life so I have to find a way to deal with it, wrap my head around the notion of undatability, sick part is that even if someone was brave enough to try, Id have a hard time beliving them as Ive found it is almost impossible for people to see past their own gender issues enough to be able to view me as a real breathing living person and not some strange oh so alternative fetish, Id probably end up not trusting anyones intentions as I have found how easy it is for people to unassign a human element to me, talk about a catch 22. So for the time being I remain here...outside looking in------------------------------------- peace...dove out