CaliJarhead's Blog

Standing at the station I hear a Driver selling seats on his bus. His pitch was simple, "Nothing ventured is nothing earned". His voice and his demeanor sounded appealing. I knew I did not have enough to ride in his bus too long. And, I knew his destination would not take me to where I wanted to go; but the places he would be driving by were too exciting for me to refuse. So, I boarded that bus bound for no where.

The trip was slow. The driver was new and inexperienced. He made sure to never travel down any dangerous roads, but he certainly didn't stay on the beaten path. We had a great time traveling down the road, setting up front with him passing the time as we drove by familiar sites. Occasionally, I would get up to allow someone else to take the drivers attention only to return to have his full attention on me and the road. I felt comfortable with him leading the way. I did not want this adventure to end.

At times I would try and divert the driver to another road that would lead us to my destination, but I was not the driver of this bus and my destination was not where the driver was heading. You see the driver didn't quite have a destination yet. He was still enjoying the drive and enjoying the company of the passengers that were along for the ride. I knew that when I got on the bus. You see I was once the bus driver traveling this same route. Not really looking to get anywhere just seeing what the road had to offer.

I knew my fare was running out and that I would have to be let off the bus soon. I was not looking forward to the departure. I was hoping that he would make a turn down my street, or allow me to take a seat in the back of the bus. Anything, would have been better than what was about to come up.

My fare ran out and I found myself saying goodbye to the driver, whose company I'd grown accustom to. As I set on the curb watching the bus drive away I realize that I am in a familiar location. I have been here before I know the way back home. The trip was not that long and the road back is rough but I have traveled it before.

I start to walk back hoping that someone passes by and picks me up so that the walk won't be as long. When your walking down the road alone it gives you a lot of time to reminisce about things that you did and saw on your trip. Sometimes those memories aren't easy to deal with but again I have taken this trip before and I know that eventually I will get home. I knew what was in store for me when I got on that bus; and the trip was certainly worth the walk back.

So folks it is time to update you on my happenings. We are now venturing into September, and August is now closed. Today's blog will definitely not be a postive one, so those that don't like negativity; such as my dear wonderful ex in Seattle if you stumbled upon this you should stop reading now.

As I mentioned in my July blog I had a dream that fore told my termination from my new found and wonderful career. Well that dream became reality. About mid August I left my current employment and am now among the numerous unemployed. I am not thrilled and stressing considerably. However, I had some money set aside for something I was going to do for a certain individual that I have been quite smitten with. So I should be able to manage for a few months until I find a new job.

Now onto the second hit for the month. Interestingly enough, I was on a wonderful date with the guy I think is awesome, when I found out I was going to be fired the next day. So, that not being enough for the evening, my guy also finally had the guts to tell me that I was not his type and that he only wanted to be friends. As the Church Lady used to say, "Well isn't that special".

Now it was not all bad. He is a great guy and I still have someone to hang out with, and he did stay and comfort me that night knowing that the following morning I was going to turn in my badge and get my walking papers. He also stayed until I got home from work that day to ensure I was still okay.

Number three, cause you know they always come in threes. I happened to be in Washington, DC when my former interest asked me how I was doing and invited me over to have a drink with his friends since I was in the area. I reluctantly stopped by being that it was only two days since he kicked me to the curb. I felt awkward, and of course still was very attracted to him, and the evening did not prove to change any of those two feelings.

I got a little too drunk, and allowed my feelings to overwhlem me, and what I thought was me joking around, came across as me being jealous, and rude. Thus, not only did I embarrass myself in front of his friends, I also managed to lose a great friend as well. And, if we have followed any of my previous blogs, we know I have been searching for really good friends more than I have been searching for a bf.

So August was lovely as you can see. To sum it all up. I lost my job, I lost my potential bf, and I lost a really good friend. It is a good thing that I love country music and love the blues. Cause baby, I will be singin the blues for awhile. I still have my truck, and I don't have a dog, so guess I still don't have a country song for me.

I must leave on a positive note. I had a doctors visit interestingly enough four days after my guy left me and after being fired. And aside from my blood pressure being too high,(which it always is) everything else came out wonderfully. In addition, I can thank this guy I was seeing for motivating me to lose twenty pounds and two inches around my waist. ALl of which was in an effort to ensure I was attractive enough for him. I hope to keep it off, even though I no longer have use of the gym at work.

This was written a few months ago but I just never got around to posting it. I think the June Blog covered most everything. The Garden continued to flourish, however, the ground hog found a way to get in and reavage things. By the end of the month the Squash was devastated and no longer producing. I found him perched at the top of an eight foot wire terellis nibbeling away at the string beans. I must find him and kill him.

Went on a wonderful date with my new guy and realized that he was definitely not into me. However, when asked if he was still interested in me he replied with a very unsincere "Yes". I could tell it was in his kiss, and in his body. I still enjoy his company a great deal, and you never know he may just have some apprehsions. Of course I am sure I am too clingy for him, or I am just not his type.

I had a dream the other night that fore told a disaster that would happen. And interestingly enough, during the month of July a disaster did happen. I managed to make a judgement call at work that the higher ups felt was innappropriate. I had dream that I was going to get fired and three days later I get a severe ass chewing, however, I am not fired as of yet, and they are talking about a reprimand instead. Lets hope the later is the case.

That was July and not much more to report. Got too hot for the bike but I have been doing wonderfully in the gym almost to my Marine Corps weight.

It is not looking good for me and this guy I recently met. Seems that he is not as interested in me as I am into him. We still chat very infrequently, but he has not been too certain of when we might be able to get together again. He says he is busy, but my intuition says he is avoiding me. I think he likes me too much to hurt my feelings and has not figured out how to tell me he isn't interested. See he is way outside of my league. I was hoping that he liked older guys, but it appears I am the oldest guy he ever went out with. This means I have to compete with all the hot young 20 something's that are banging down his door.

I knew when I first met this guy that it was not going to go where I wanted it to and that is why I didn't venture after him initially. We hit it off when I first met him online, but because of his age and my age I never called him. He was looking to date, and I knew that I was going to fall for this guy and he would just end up kicking me to the curb. I did eventually give it a try after he coaxed me into it. And, I am glad that he did contact me. I have been having a great time with him. We have a lot in common, and he seems to have fun when we are together.

The past three months have been fun when we could get together. I am not sure if he just isn't looking for someone to have around all the time, or if he is just truly too busy to hang out. I know that I am too clingy and I have been trying not to appear that way. I just don't have anything or anyone to take my mind off of him. I have been trying to figure out what he is looking for and I am afraid that he is leaning towards friendship.

He has been driving the bus on this thing since day one. My stop has not come up, but I am certainly not setting up in the front seat anymore. I can handle that if I could at least set a little closer. It is lonely in the back of the bus. I sense my stop is coming up and right now I am trying to see how long I can stay on the bus even if it is in the back. Maybe he won't look at my ticket and see that my stop was long overdue.

I am certain that I am too aggressive, or too obsessed and it is scaring him away. I tend to get clingy when I really like a guy. I just wish that they would tell me to chill out or back off if they are not as interested as I am. I try and control myself so I don't look too eager or desperate but when you don't have people knocking at your door everyday it is hard to do.

Why is it so hard to find a decent guy in his 30's that likes to do the same things. All the guys I meet want to be homebodies. I need someone that likes to get out and do things. I don't necessarily want to be a bar fag, but I like to get out and socialize occasionally. I like to get outdoors and hike and bike. I would settle for friends that want to do those things, and I think that is what I am going to have to do with this guy. I just know that my feelings toward him will not be easy for me to control.

Here is the deal everything I am going through I have dealt with before. The Air Force guy in the picture on my profile was exactly like this new guy. I learned a lot from our relationship. We are still friends today, but our distance, and his new life, has caused our friendship to not be as strong. I have a chance to have that same thing with this new guy. I just need to syke myself into it so when he does let me know we can only be friends I will be prepared for it.

Another month passes, and June went by without too many hot days. We are now into summer and the A/C is definitely on everyday.

The garden is flourishing and producing. I have more squash than I can manage to eat. I used to bring them to work and give them to my ladies. But I don't think anyone at my current job would appreciate them as much. So I will probably loose some friends and neighbors soon when I overwhelm them with my squash. I finally picked my first tomato but that actually will have to go into July's blog since I picked them yesterday. Made two gallons of Pesto this year, I should get at least four batches this year.

I have been heading to the beach lately. Might I say there are some nice attractions to be seen? Been trying to get a tan for a certain individual that I am a little too attracted to. We will get there in a minute. I also have been riding my bike and hitting the gym harder than usual. I can thank a certain young gentleman for motivating me to loose ten pounds. I am almost back to my Marine Corps weight. I hope I can keep it up.

July not sure what that is going to bring other than heat. I desperately need to weed the yard. The rain and warm temperatures seem to have added a boost of energy to the weeds and killed the plants. I am so lazy these days. Well I can't say that completely I spend a lot of time in the gym.

See next blog on the dating happenings.

What can I say about May. Whirlwind of emotions, of things to do and get done. I managed to complete all this years outdoor projects on schedule and a few indoor ones that I have been wanting to complete for four years now. I am still complimented on how wonderful the basement looks now. If only I can manage to get the living space to look as good.

Memorial day was my fourth year anniversary in the house. Once again I held my annual BBQ. I had it a few weeks early though. Wanted to beat the heat and that weekend was best. We all had a great time. I welcomed the new neighbors to the neighborhood, and came out to them in the process. Now they know that their house is flanked by a lovely gay couple and a single gay man. They also got broken into the gay community of Petersburg. They had a good time and of course the food was spectacular might I say.

So the emotions certainly kicked in. What I thought was just an attractive guy with a nice personality turned out to be exactly that. A great guy with a great personality. In four years of living here in Petersburg he was the first man to suggest coming to visit me. I just about fell out of my chair when he said that. Now understand I have dated several folks over these past four years and all of them lived at least two hours away from me. Seems that Richmond and Petersburg have nothing to offer. Anyway, his thought certainly went along way in my book since I am normally the one that has to do all the work in a relationship.

My apprehension and skepticalness with this young man certainly faded toward infatuation. Thats right folks in the short time I have known him he certainly seems to be the one I want. However, I think my interest in him is a little stronger than his. Thus, my attempt to curb some of my bad habits as not to scare him away too soon. Almost thought I did, but, turned out he was merely busy and did not loose interest. I still think he is trying to find more in me to really seal the deal. I certainly hope he finds that, just as I hope I find it in him.

Now I just need to calm down and take this slow and just be myself. Here is the problem when I am myself I tend to scare them away. I just have no patients in life. I see something I want and I go after it. You know if you ask most gay men what they are looking for they will say a man with confidence and not afraid to make a move. Well I am certainly aggressive and not afraid to let someone know my intentions, but that seems to scare them away. So how do I remain confident and aggressive yet not appear to be clingy and in love???????

This is where I am at right now. June has begun and hopefully I can learn a little more about this gentleman and about myself so that this does not end too prematurely.