I just realized that Mondays last about 11 hours for me, with hardly a break. Isn't that ridiculous? Anyway, while I was at work yesterday, I started listening to all this great music. Lately, I've been listening to a lot of pop stuff (since everyone thinks I'm encino man and I want to be hip with it...), and I've neglected more emotionally provocative music. That's not to say that I don't think pop is good (er, depending...), I've just been out of touch with musical depth. So yesterday I listened to all my favorite pieces, pieces that I'm kind of working on, pieces that I've been in love with for years. And I seriously felt like I was in love with music. Oh I'm such a twad!

Anyway, last night, when I got home all ragged and tired, I immediately took out my violin. I didn't even eat dinner. I just opened it up and had the most unfocused, satisfying love affair with it until I deemed it too late to play in my house. I played everything I have been trying to play for years (er...excerpts of them...) I started with the Sibelius Violin Concerto the big piece that I just need to freaking practice. I fell in love with this piece when I was in high school and have wanted to play it ever since. It started out as this huge piece that I'd never get good enough to play. Then it turned into something I could play all raucously--And now it's something that I think I can handle and play well if I actually just stopped being such an idiot and freakin worked on it. But I've noticed that the longer I stay away from a piece after having practiced it, the better I get at it. Yesterday I played the first page (if you know the piece, up until the first little cadenza--blah--), and I played it pretty darned well for the way I play! I think I just needed to fall in love with it again. I hadn't heard it in a really long time, and yesterday I just HAD to play it......

I played a whole bunch of stuff....And then at around 9:30-9:45, I turned off the lights, opened a beer, and started listening to all this great music. Actually--I didn't listen to a lot, but what I listened to made me just want to play and play. I listened to the last movement of Messaein, Quartet for the End of Time (you know! the violin one!) and I called my friend JJ and begged him to play it with me in a message. I think I might have been a little drunky at that point......

Then I listened to an old recording of my friend Adele and I playing the 3rd movement of the Ravel Piano Trio. We played it at our graduation concert, pulled it together in a couple of days. We had actually gotten into a huge fight right before we played it, and performing it was our make-up session. I'm proud of the recording, and it made me really emotional. I mean I LOVE adele like blood, and I love playing with her. And I miss the days when it was so easy to go into a practice room, with music from the library, and play. I really want to play with her more. So I called her and told her in a message how much I loved her and how much I wanted to play with her. And of course I was drunky at this point:)

Then I started thinking about all the music I've been playing lately, and I got all excited about all the different projects, and so confused about my musical identity. I mean, what the hell am I doing! I don't have a teacher, I probably won't be able to go to grad school, at least not for a while......I'm playing in two really great bands, that are completely different--No three now! I get to play some kicking gipsy music with my newest band! Plus I've got this new music thing that I'm writing a cheezy piece for--But I want to play all these wonderful pieces, like the Sibelius, the Ciaconne, the Prokofiev Sonata, Fratres, blah blah blah....I want to perform them! And I'm all confused in the best way possible! I don't want to be a jack of all trades, you know, master at none. But I can't limit myself to becoming a goddam "classical musician." And I don't want to be one of those hip cool violinists with pick ups and red bow hair. You know what I mean????? I just want to play! I've been kinda all heartbroken for awhile now, and last night, I just didn't care about all that bullpoopoo, you know???? Like the only thing in the world that mattered was Fratres--or Tabula Rasa--or you know...Messaein. So I woke myself up all early this morning and I practiced. Only for a bit cuz I had to go to work. But I came up with fingerings for the third movement of the Prokofiev Sonata, and after teaching a lesson this afternoon, I get to go play gipsy music. And tomorrow morning I'll practice the whole morning (and maybe clean out the molding old coffee in my coffee pot!) And who knows what's going to happen! It's just scary to care about something so much, because I think, man am I really good enough to be this passionate about it????????? But whatever. I don't care. I just want to play!

And if this whole thing wasn't enough, I'm including videos!